If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Dear Santa, this year I’d like a fat bank account, and a thin body… please don’t confuse the two like you did last time.
If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.
Don’t mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
I would rather entertain and hope that the people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertaind.
Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.
Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s already 6:45. When you’re at work and it’s 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s 2:31.
My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.
I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
A relationship without trust is like a cell phone with no service, all you can do is play games.
Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.
Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don’t give out free samples.
Dear automatic flushing toilet… I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn’t done yet.
It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy.
Of course I talk to myself… sometimes I need expert advice.
Yes of course I am athletic… I surf the Internet every day.
Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day!
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window.
I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.
I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this old before.
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you. .
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.